


Tension

by pizza_on_the_roof



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Feelings Realization, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Not Beta Read, Reflection, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21668065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pizza_on_the_roof/pseuds/pizza_on_the_roof
Summary: It's always simmering there, below the surface. Something that could have been, under different circumstances, but would have never even existed without those same circumstances bringing them together like this. An unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. It's in the air like the fumes surrounding them, but no gas mask can dissipate this tension.
Relationships: Jesse Pinkman/Walter White
Comments: 5
Kudos: 50





	Tension

It's always simmering there, below the surface. Something that could have been, under different circumstances, but would have never even existed without those same circumstances bringing them together like this. An unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. It's in the air like the fumes surrounding them, but no gas mask can dissipate this tension.

It's there before sex is ever mentioned between them. Sure, jokes leaning on homophobic, vulgar language and masturbation had been brought up before, but remained in the realm of teasing and nothing more. When sex _is_ finally addressed, it isn't in a much different context.

Things hadn't been easy lately 一 have they ever, really 一 and paranoia mixing in with powerlessness, alongside some other... Physiological matters, have Walt snapping at Jesse every time he so much as breathes in his direction.

"It's like, I dunno if you're pent up, like your wife's cutting you short and you're frustrated or whatever, but you keep taking it out on me."

Walter rolls his eyes because this is classic Jesse. And he's complaining while still scrubbing the equipment obediently, so he leaves it there.

But neither of them know just how right he is.

It's still there when Walt calls Jesse son. And it's messed up because he keeps fucking with Jesse, just not in a literal sense, screwing with his head like you wouldn't do to a real son, and he does it _for_ his real son, in a twisted indirect way. It's also sick because that lingering feeling between them draws repulsion towards the affectionate calling, and yet it's all Jesse needs to hear before melting in Walt's arms, sobbing, because he keeps losing and losing and everything else is unimportant at the moment.

It's ever so present when they fight. Because otherwise they never touch. In fact, they avoid it to the point it feels purposeful and almost too obvious to be casual, to simply be respecting each other's personal space. Every brush burns, every touch is friction. Raw as sandpaper at the risk of being gentle.

And Jesse always wins.

Lying on the floor, at the mercy of a hovering fist, Walter chokes out "Do it."

Jesse never does.

Not because Walter doesn't deserve it, or because he's above punching the sick man to death, not even because it's what Walter wants. He just doesn't.

Closing the distance, eyes briefly flickering to Walter's lips, flame lit in his eyes, Jesse silently dares him to do it.

Walter never does.

The reasons don't need explaining.

And Walter always wins.

It doesn't even cross his mind to make a move on Jesse when Skyler starts seeing Ted. Perhaps because he knows that unlike Carmen, Jesse might not reject him at all. Or maybe because he's afraid Jesse will. Bullshit. Walter doesn't, simply because he's not aware yet 一 of those lingering gazes and unassuming questions, asking to "get a beer after this".

But he does have Jesse stay for dinner, the three of them sitting in silence, buzzing with tension, positive, negative, like magnets. Like opposite centers of gravity just keeping each other at a set length. Skyler oh so languidly slides her affair into the forced conversation, not even looking at Jesse and fixed on Walt instead, as if testing him. Now they are on equal ground. He did bring his affair into her house after all. No matter that it's not sexual or romantic at all, it's still illicit, illegal, and standing 一 sitting 一 between them. An affair in regard of which Walter bought himself a second phone, spent the evenings away, lied in every possible way. Whether he is his lover or his love child with crime. Jesse chokes on his water and gives up trying to sooth the atmosphere with innocent commentary.

It's funny how you can be so out of sync with a person. It's too early when they first meet and Jesse is just a rebellious teen messing with his teacher like boys pull on their crush's hair for that extra ounce of attention. It's too late when their lives come together again and Walter's diagnosed with cancer, the clock ticking against him and his mind elsewere. Too early again as Walt keeps dragging Jesse around and the younger finds himself staring at the man's back, not entirely sure why, not entirely sure what he's looking for there. Far too late when Skyler gives up on their marriage, his son rejects his own name and he turns to Jesse to find the glint gone from his blue eyes.

One step forward, two steps back. Just how Walter put it, their relationship too. When it sinks in, when he looks down at his wrist and sees Jesse's carefully chosen watch attached there, the wall is too high up between them. Funny how Jesse latched onto his words of affection like a man starved when they were mired by ploys and secrets, yet stopped believing them when they finally held meaning.

Funny how it wasn't until the very last glance they exchanged that Walt finally saw Jesse, but Jesse no longer saw Walt.

Because wrongdoings weight more than kindness. A selfless action won't make you a hero, but a sin can make you a villain. And Walter has sinned too much, has no time left to regain what was lost, to prove himself better 一 even if he's not. Keep pushing people away, they will leave eventually. Keep piling your lies and the truth will be lost within them.

Walter doesn't regret, because it could have never worked between them. And even when he loves, he loves dirty and selfish. But isn't it tragic, that while seizing the blue in his hands he couldn't treassure those blue eyes enough.

The tension never truly leaves. It grows turbulent, explodes in the nastiest ways, dripping with resentment and dispise, then it grows tired.

Walter wins in the end. But at what cost.

**Author's Note:**

> This was an attempt at showing my take on Walter's and Jesse's relationship that has fascinated me for over a year now. 
> 
> I wouldn't even ship them if Aaron Paul didn't have the biggest crush on Bryan Cranston, which reflected rather obviously on some of the show's scenes.
> 
> So can you blame me really?
> 
> -
> 
> (Please leave comments!)


End file.
